ridiculously restrictive transfusion

Surprise! Ridiculously Restrictive Transfusion Threshold of Zero Associated with Death

  • 738
    Shares

BOSTON, MA – In a truly eye-opening study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, the results of which no one could have predicted, a ridiculously restrictive transfusion strategy (hemoglobin [Hgb] threshold < 0 g/dL) proved far inferior to both a liberal (Hgb threshold < 9-10 g/dL) and restrictive (Hgb threshold < 7-9 g/dL) transfusion strategy.

ridiculously restrictive transfusion
Considering your blood count is zero, this should help

“Believe me, we were as shocked as you were as the results starting pouring in,” explained lead researcher Dr. Alan Single-Center.  “It seemed that patients in the ridiculously restrictive transfusion group decompensated and died as their hemoglobins dropped to 0.  They never even got to receive blood.  We stopped the study early, realizing that waiting until a hemoglobin of 0 to transfuse was probably being a bit too anal.”

Over the past several decades, numerous studies have looked at different transfusion thresholds in all patients and in different subsets of patients.  With often conflicting and confusing results, Dr. Single-Center and co-author Dr. Danielle Double-Blind decided to perform their own study including the “critically important” ridiculously restrictive arm to “really shed some light on the matter.”

“We concluded that patients should likely be transfused before their bodies run completely out of blood, a process we remembered was called exsanguination,” explained Dr. Double-Blind.  “It appears the human body and its many organs cannot function without blood.  This is a lesson learned for us all.”

The authors did observe one upside to the ridiculously restrictive transfusion strategy: Because all patients died before the transfusion threshold was reached, no blood products were ever used.

“If you think about it, this country can avoid major blood shortages with this strategy as there wouldn’t be any need for blood since patients would die before meeting the ridiculously restrictive transfusion threshold, so there is that,” added Single-Center to what was met with an awfully-awkward silence.  “What?  Okay fine, this study was totally useless.”

image_pdfimage_print
  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

  • Show Comments

You May Also Like

ASA Updates Algorithm to Account for Redheads

3.6KSharesSAN FRANCISCO, CA – The American Society of Anesthesiologists (ASA) released new guidelines that update ...

gastroenterologist

GI Consultant Thrilled To Hear About Guaiac Positive Formed Stool At 3 AM

957SharesWASHINGTON, D.C. – Second-year gastroenterology fellow Dr. I. Scopalot was flabbergasted to hear about an ...

types of beards

New Beard Policy Being Adopted at Many Hospitals in OR Clothing Algorithm

675SharesDear Hospital Employees, The following beard policy is being put into effect for your entire ...

IV catheter

Anesthesiologist Ecstatic to Get 2 AM Call to Place IV, and Again at 3 AM When It Rips Out

5.2KSharesMEMPHIS, TN – Dr. Beverly Mascinoni, the on-call anesthesiologist last night, was ecstatic to ...

United Airlines Blames Violent Confrontation on Anesthesia

18.2KSharesCHICAGO, IL – After two days of unsatisfying answers from United Airlines regarding the ...

Nursing Home STDs on the Rise, and I Just Threw Up a Little in My Mouth

137SharesATHENS, GA – “Simply disgusting,” was one man’s response to hearing about nursing home ...