ATLANTA, GA – Has this ever happened to you: You’re driving down a quiet side street when out of nowhere a squirrel darts at lightning speed in front of your car? You brake suddenly and if you’re lucky both you and the squirrel make it out alive.
You are not alone.
In the institution’s first ever memo not directed at humans, the Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Robert Redfield is imploring the nation’s 200+ species of squirrels to stop darting across the street in front of cars at the last possible second in order to avoid morbidity & mortality to not only humans but the squirrel population itself.
“We understand that crossing the street with the threat of a motor vehicle bearing down on you, threatening to run you over brings a tremendous high, one better than freebasing,” began Redfield’s statement, “but consider the potential risks: you getting run over by the car, and the human driver having to stop suddenly, causing whiplash or, worse, the spillage of a perfectly good but hot cup of coffee onto his or her lap.”
The CDC statement is a direct response to new guidelines published by the American Academy of Squirrels (AAS), which cited strong statistically-significant evidence to support crossing the street only when high-speed vehicle appears to be intersecting with your trajectory within +/- 0.5 seconds. Furthermore it acknowledged the high chance of death for squirrels but said to not do so would be to “deny their own squirrel nature.”
In other news related to traffic law obedience and public health, the CDC may issue a statement telling people to stop making right turns even though there is clearly a sign saying NO TURN ON RED. The CDC spoke to that point by saying, “Come on, now, we all know you’re doing it.”
