MARKERSBURG, TN – Dr. Lois Siento thinks she has the key to improving relationships between primary teams and consultants.

“It’s simple,” she explains. “We give consultant business. Consultants like to get cases from us that interest them and, if they’re surgeons, that need to go to surgery.”

“The trouble,” she continued, “is that we don’t always know what interests them, or what needs surgery. I mean, some of these teams have weird tastes and they all like different things. This team likes toes, that one hates toes. This team likes the pancreas, that one hates the pancreas. One likes skin, one doesn’t like skin. This one likes cancer, that one hates cancer. Get this: some of them are even into butts. Then if you call a consultant with something they don’t like, or that doesn’t need an intervention, they get upset! Well we don’t always know, that’s why we’re asking!”

She explains that she has been improving her relationships with her colleagues by simply apologizing for every consult she calls. We watched her in action as she called an orthopedic surgery consult at 2:47 AM.

“Hey, thanks for calling back. I’m sorry about this one in advance,” she began. Then she began to describe the maculopapular erythematous rash that happened to be over a patient’s elbow, and how she wanted Ortho to take a look (since Derm was not in-house, or perhaps even in-state) before she sent the patient out with steroids, which she already knew she was going to do. “I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I just want you to lay eyes on it before he goes.”

She activated the speakerphone so we could hear the consultant’s response.

“Wow, hey, thanks for apologizing,” said the ortho consultant. “That’s, um…a very… interesting consult.” A loud bang immediately followed, then a dial tone.

Siento seemed thrilled. “Did you hear that? He spoke in complete sentences. And he was so polite! I think we’re really building bridges here.”

Dr. Ill N. Fill III
"The eldest son of Ill N. Fill Jr, M.D., a widely renowned carpenter (who also happened to have a medical degree), Dr. Fill III is a self-proclaimed "O.G.". He has never paid to be a "Top Doctor" however, he bears the title of "illinest doctor East of the Mississippi" and is "the popularest guy in the OR". He is very good at drilling holes in bones, and filling those holes with titanium screws. He loves to drill, and to fill. He has even drilled and filled before morning rounds, and once during a carpal tunnel release. He is best known for holding his drill sideways, a technique he has described and submitted (unsuccessfully) to multiple journals under the title "Gangsta". When he is neither drilling nor filling, Dr. Fill III likes to listen to hardcore 90's rap while writing articles for Gomerblog, which allows him to channel all the rage that other services create inside of him when they try to "cramp his style" and keep him from drilling and/or filling. His favorite pasttime is "power tools." That is also what he wrote down for "favorite food," "favorite color," and "sex." He may or may not be illiterate. But he sure can drill a hole.