• 1.3K

OAKBROOK TERRACE, IL – The Joint Commission announced on Tuesday that in an effort to freshen its image, it will now simply be known as, “The Joint.” The announcement was made as part of its new re-branding campaign designed to reach out and connect with young Millennials working in the healthcare field.

“We’re aware of the uptight image The Joint Commission has had for years in the healthcare industry,” said The Joint spokesperson Susan Davidson. “Yes, organizations stop everything they do to spend countless hours preparing documents, doing internal audits, and driving their staff crazy in preparation for our arrival. Despite all of that, The Joint just wants you to consider us your Bae.”

Children’s Minnesota Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Suzanne Reimann, has been leading her organization’s preparation for reaccreditation since early 2017. The hospital’s social media team approached her two weeks ago to report they had received an odd message via their Twitter account. According to Dr. Reimann, the message from The Joint said, ‘What up, Children’s Minnesota?! We don’t wanna throw any shade your way when we visit, so best be woke! #amirite?’’

“We honestly didn’t know what to make of it,” confessed Dr. Reimann. “Our accreditation team held an emergency all-day meeting the next day to try and decipher it.”

Two weeks later, The Joint Surveyors arrived unannounced at the front doors of Children’s Minnesota for the survey. Rather than a standard Lincoln town-car, however, they pulled up in a 2014 Toyota Prius driven by Uber driver, Steve Cranston. According to Mr. Cranston, “they kept asking me if I could put on Imagine Dragons and wanted to know if they could leave me a review on my ‘Facegram’ and ‘Instabook’ accounts. I asked them not to.”

During the five days at the hospital, Joint Surveyors spoke to many staff members – many of whom were not convinced by the rebranding efforts. Pointing towards one of The Joint surveyors, second-year Pediatrics resident Dr. Alison Saunders, noted, “I’m pretty sure that guy has a fake handlebar mustache on.” Her fellow resident, Dr. Jeff Thompson, added, “One woman was wearing the same faux-nostalgic Led Zeppelin t-shirt I got my sister from Forever 21.”

At the end of the week Children’s Minnesota leaders were thrilled to be notified they had passed the survey. Dr. Reimann was more guarded, however. “When I turned to the last page of the report,” she said, “there was a handwritten note from the lead surveyor stating, ‘Your hospital is on-fleek!’ I have no idea what that means, but I’m going to get my epidemiology people on it right away.”

When reached for final comment, The Joint spokesperson, Mrs. Davidson, stated the rebranding efforts are a “work in progress” but The Joint was happy with the initial feedback. At press time, however, no surveyors were available for comment as according to sources they were busy playing Fortnite.

  • 1.3K
Doc Around the CLock
Doc Around the Clock is a Pediatric Emergency Medicine physician, ER Medical Director, and proud owner of a Minivan. He used to record Simpsons episodes on VHS, had a subscription to Mad magazine, and still stays up to watch Saturday Night Live (though falls asleep after Weekend Update)…so, yeah, you can expect some fresh, cutting-edge medical satire. When he’s not in the ER trying to prevent safety events, in a meeting about a safety event, or writing an email about a safety event, you can find and follow Doc Around the Clock on Twitter @ERDoc4Kids.