Ronaldo, Neymar Admit Magic Soccer Sprays Contain Dilaudid

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CHICAGO, IL – Two of the world’s best soccer players, Cristiano Ronaldo and Neymar, have told Gomerblog the secret ingredient that makes those magic soccer sprays just so magical: elephant doses of hydromorphone (Dilaudid).

“Truth be told,” the Portuguese striker Ronaldo told Gomerblog through our resident Portuguese translator, “why you see so many flops in futbol is because everyone is aching for that next hit of Dilaudid.  Why does it work so fast?  It reverses Dilaudid withdrawal in an instant!”  Ronaldo just completed a move from Real Madrid in La Liga to Juventus in Serie A due to the latter’s supposed superior concentrations of narcotics in their magic spray.

Paris St-Germain striker Neymar says Ronaldo is exactly right.  “There’s a reason you saw me flailing, rolling around in ‘pain’ so much this summer playing for Brazil.  In my opinion, World Cup Dilaudid spray is the absolute best!”

Not many people realize that soccer medical staff, although they are able to administer Dilaudid magic soccer sprays, also carry naloxone (Narcan) should the magic spray “magically” lead to respiratory depression on the pitch.  According to Argentinian referee Nestor Pitana, who refereed the FIFA World Cup Final between France and Croatia, an on-the-pitch code without Narcan present often leads to 30-45 minutes of stoppage time being added.

“It’s certainly epidemic within the world of futbol,” explained Pitana.  “I can’t even begin to tell you how many times players have asked me if I can write them a prescription for magic spray.  If they ask too much, I’ll give them a straight red card.  It’s a real problem.”

We asked FIFA Match Commissioner Dr. Joe Machnik if anyone has ever created magic sprays containing Tylenol or ibuprofen.  Machnik laughed.  “Not any more,” he replied.  “You’ll be amazed, but every futbol player in the world is allergic to acetaminophen, NSAIDs, Toradol, tramadol, and morphine.  They always say the same thing: Do you have that magic spray that begins with a D?”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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