Intern Becomes Sentient, Realizes No One Cares About His Med School War Stories

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SAN DIEGO, CA – In a shocking display of comprehension, local General Surgery intern Gunner Retractorhölder, realized that his now 15 minute long story about the obese psych patient who thought she was Jesus wasn’t impressing anyone in the OR. “I really thought at least one of the scrub techs would at least pretend to care, but she didn’t even make eye contact as I rambled on. The fat lady think she’s the Lord and savior story usually enthralls everyone.”

Intern shocked to realize no one cares about his stories!

Dr. Retractorhölder admits he noticed that no one else in the OR was talking about anything but the surgery going on. He thought his charming anecdotes of his 2 years of clinical rotations without any responsibility would endear himself to everyone on the University of California San Diego Ortho Trauma Team. Unfortunately, this was not the case, “even the female attending seemed like she didn’t give a shit about the obese XXL Christ. She’s literally the nicest person in the world and she couldn’t have cared less.”

UCSD surgical technologist, Amelia Suturepasser, called Retractorhölder’s observation surprisingly refreshing, “Most new interns ramble on for the entirety of every case and then get so damn giddy at the thought of even cutting suture. He actually shut up and I could hear the music for the first time in a July case in memory. Until that point, we all just sitting there wishing he would sustain an MI or CVA, TIA, GIB or some other abbreviation that would take him out of the OR at least temporarily.”

When asked what his plan was going forward, Retractorhölder was pensive, “I guess I could just read up on the surgery we’re doing and wax poetic about the surgery we’re doing or at least the first paragraph which is all I ever read before checking facebook anyways. At least make sure they knew I read something. Dr. Smandy Smartz is going to be so impressed that I read the first paragraph about the anatomy of the talus! I can’t wait to tell her there are three blood supplies to the talus and see her face when I can almost remember 2 of them!”

  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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