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GLOBOGYM HEADQUARTERS, MA – Apparently someone at GomerBlog Twitter headquarters thought it would be funny to make me explain a “real” medical topic to celebrate GomerBlog hitting 25k followers. You posers and hosers voted and selected renal tubular acidosis so here goes.

Tighten your weight belts and chalk your hands because you’re about to get some brain gains dropped onto that empty bar you’re repping.

Hang tight kids, we’re about to get some brain gains!

Renal Tubular Acidosis
by Naan Derthaal

So we all know about the kidneys, the great ancef filters, clearer’s of creatine (or maybe creatinine) and preventers of rhabdo. Well they’re kind of like biceps in that they work great until they don’t. I guess a lot of things fit that analogy but hang with me bros and lady bros. It’ll all make sense in a while.

Anywho, sometimes the kidneys don’t crank out the reps like they should. And by reps I mean piss. Urine. R Kelly shower juice. Pee is acidic. That’s why you whiz on jellyfish stings. Jellyfish stings are as basic as a San Diego dame with a Pumpkin Spice Latte, wearing Uggs, leggings, and a winter hat when it’s 73F out. Acid plus base, BAM💥, neutral. No more burning. Unless you just got back from a Bro’s trip to Panama Beach, but that’s a different burn.

So check it, if the kidneys don’t piss out the acid, those hydrogen’s have to go somewhere so they back up in the bloodstream like mullets driving Camaros waiting for a Van Halen concert venue to open. That’s bad, in both cases.

The extra acid in the blood pushes potassium out of the blood stream through the kidneys so your gomers get Hypokalemia because apparently calling it hypopotassemia would make too much damn sense. Thanks a lot Hippocrates or Galileo or whoever named stuff back in the day.

Low potassium and acidic blood are bad to the bone. Not bad to the bone like Metallica’s Enter Sandman blasting while I sculpt my gun show but like cause the bone to lose calcium into the blood making the bones weak as band geeks bad. Then double whammy, that stolen calcium goes to the kidneys and can cause kidney stones. That’s Busch league.

You also pee off bicarbonate when you have RTA instead of holding onto it like it’s your last protein bar on a Bro’d trip. Snap, more acid in the blood and all the other stuff gets worse!

Now, I promised Biceps references so here ya go. RTA can be due to proximal or distal issues just like biceps tendinitis can be proximal or distal! Distal is type 1, proximal is type 2, and type 3 is a bit of both 1 and 3 but apparently the Nephroweenies don’t talk about that anymore because it was created by the Illuminati or some shit.

Then some d-bag came along and said “what about when they have hyperpotassemia?” Instead or being like “bro, that’s another disease entirely” or something cool, the head bean weenie was like “all right brofessor, we’ll call that type 4 because we already have 1 and 2 and the Illuminati ruined type III and albino monks for all of us” so that’s where type 4 came from. Type 4 also happens in those dorky little kidney hats, the adrenal glands. So it’s not even in the tubulars or the renals so it shouldn’t be an RTA but ISIS won that debate so there it is.

Type 4 is caused by lots of drugs, other diseases and probably skipping leg day. So don’t take meds, have chronic disease or skip leg day.

I know by this point you’re all wondering, “ok, Naan, you’ve dropped some heavy knowledge on this stuff. What do we do when we figure out that homeboy in 412 has RTA?” I’ll tell ya. Consult medicine. Unless you’re medicine. Then consult nephrology. Unless you’re nephrology. If you’re nephrology you really shouldn’t need me to explain this, but make the blood less acidic, figure out the underlying cause and pop a metaphorical cap in that biznatch if you can.

If the beans are totally boxed, dialysis is your friend. Though the name sucks. I would have named it livealysis but then the 50% 5 yr mortality on it wouldn’t exactly be truth in advertising. Maybe eventually get them one new kidney. Two new kidneys would be greedy.

I wonder if anyone has tried a biceps transplant? I would totally get a biceps transplant from Schwarzenegger once he kicks. That bro is jacked even as an old dude!

Ok. Enough talking real medicine. I’ve got some bicep curls to count our very loudly while grunting. Any further kidney questions can be directed to a real kidney-ologist like Dr. Emily Haines in Des Moines, IA.

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Naan DerThaal
A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal