MUNICH, GERMANY – In a surprise announcement sure to shock both the soccer and medical world, German star midfielder, Michael Schmerzen, announced today his intent to retire from professional sports after this year’s World Cup. His post-retirement plan, he declared, is to open a malingering clinic for emergency department (ED) drug seekers.
“While it time for me to retire from athletics, it is also time for me to share my most important skills with those who need it most,” Schmerzen declared in a statement released to the press. “My skills of faking knee injuries, screaming and falling when I receive the slightest bump to my body, and waving my arms at the referee to get attention. These are skills so vastly underdeveloped with today’s ED drug seekers.”
“I have a gift to share with the world,” he further explained. “And I don’t mean to squander it. This clinic will revolutionize drug-seeking like that magical stuff in that aerosol can revolutionized treatment of nearly every on-field injury.”
Gomerblog had further questions for Schmerzen about the clinic, but when we showed up at his house, he then fell to the ground clutching his left knee and implored us to call 911. EMS then took him to a local hospital where left AMA after not receiving IV Dilaudid.