soccer flop

Retiring Soccer Star to Open Malingering Clinic for ED Drug Seekers

  • 878

In a surprise announcement sure to shock both the soccer and medical world, German star midfielder, Michael Schmerzen, announced today his intent to retire from professional sports after this year’s World Cup. His post-retirement plan, he declared, is to open a malingering clinic for Emergency Department (ED) drug seekers.

soccer flop“While it time for me to retire from athletics, it is also time for me to share my most important skills with those who need it most,” Mr. Schmerzen declared in a statement released to the press, “My skills of faking knee injuries, screaming and falling when I receive the slightest bump to my body, and waving my arms at the referee to get attention…..these are skills so vastly underdeveloped with today’s ED drug seekers.”

“I have a gift to share with the world,” he further explained, “And I don’t mean to squander it. This clinic will revolutionize drug-seeking like that magical stuff in that aerosol can revolutionized treatment of nearly every on-field injury.”

Gomerblog had further questions for Mr. Schmerzen about the clinic, but when we showed up at his house, he then fell to the ground clutching his left knee and implored us to call 911. EMS then took him to a local hospital where left AMA after not receiving IV Dilaudid.

  • Milli of Dilli

    After picking up the basics of medicine by watching TV shows, I moved to LA, forged a medical school diploma, and somehow found some success in the late 80’s as an event physician for major Hollywood events. However, it all came crashing down while working the 1990 Grammy awards. While “Girl You Know it’s True” was being played live, a stagehand went into cardiac arrest and I was called upon to help. Unfortunately, as I tried to lip-sync CPR instructions, the speaker on my cassette player stopped working and I was exposed for a fraud. After serving time in prison, I went to medical school and residency and I finished training to become an Emergency Medicine physician. Instead of using this training and knowledge for good, I decided to abuse it to become a professional drug seeker. Armed with advanced medical knowledge, my quest remains to go from ED to ED searching out the drug seeker’s Holy Grail: syringes filled with 1mg of hydromorphone, the so-called “Milli of Dilli.” While I am not drug seeking, I have decided to write medical satire posing as a typical First World emergency physician. My website, with my other satirical articles that did not make it into Gomerblog, can be found at and my twitter handle is @firstworldem

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