MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Heeding the advice of the European Society of Cardiology (ESC) ahead of the 2018 FIFA World Cup Final at Luzhniki Stadium between France and Belgium, both French and Belgium officials have advised all soccer fans but especially their citizens that prior to cheering their team to victory to take a full dose of aspirin prior to kick off.
“If the World Cup has taught us anything thus far it is to expect the unexpected,” explained FIFA Match Commissioner Dr. Joe Machnik. “This World Cup has yielded drama like no other in the past. Yes, we are seeing levels of excitement we’ve never seen before, but we’ll also seeing anxiety and stress levels soar to new heights, shattering fans’ nerves left and right, leaving men, women, and children broken, weeping because the stress of it all is just too much, win or especially lose.”
French and Belgium officials make the recommendation on top of endorsing “reckless alcohol use,” saying “the more alcohol the better.”
“Xanax might even be necessary,” states French President Emmanuel Macron, “especially if the damned final goes into extra time or, f**k, PKs [penalty kicks].”
Sports-watching-related myocardial infarction (SWRMI) is a subset of non-ST-elevation myocardial infarctions (NSTEMI) and needs to be taken seriously. The European Society of Cardiology says a full-dose aspirin is a good start, maybe even a beta blocker also to keep those heart rates in check, but even further management may be necessary depending on how the game progresses.
“To all futbol fans out there: If your favorite star gets injured during the World Cup Final, take a nitroglycerin under the tongue immediately,” states President of the ESC Professor Jeroen Bax of the Netherlands. “If the game goes into extra time, consider initiating a heparin drip. If the games goes into PKs, think about thrombolysis. But to any France or Belgium supporters out there, hospitalization at any point during the game is absolutely okay. In fact, we encourage it because we have defibrillators nearby.”