When it comes to your medical care, you have a lot of choices. At the world-renowned Ivory Tower Medical Center, we want your experience to be top-notch and lead you to never want to set foot in another hospital ever again. Here are some tips that will help you prepare for your stay at our institution:
* To make sure we don’t miss anything important, you’ll be asked your medical history a few times. Like thirty-seven.
* Our doctors make up 70% of your local magazine’s “Top Docs” list. We ensure this every year by sending out organizational-wide emails begging us to vote for each other.
* We have subspecialists for every possible medical condition. They’ll all visit you during your stay, but you won’t know who’s actually in charge of your care.
* We’re committed to Patient-Centered care. To focus just on you, we’ll wait until the moment your family steps out of the room to come in and share critically-important updates and test results with you.
* We pride ourselves on using new, cutting-edge therapies. Regardless of medical necessity, every patient will be placed on at least one drug that ends in ‘-umab’, ‘-imab’, or ‘-inib’.
* As a training institution, we have lots of brilliant medical students and residents. They’ll be happy to talk with you about how life is exactly like Grey’s Anatomy.
* Being a large and complex institution, we’re experts in coordination-of-care. Though you may experience numerous inconsistencies and mixed messages between your doctors and nurses, we swear your care teams are talking to each other.
* We’re constantly striving to provide more efficient and high-valued health care. To minimize wasteful communication, we’ve discontinued certain wasteful practices such as sending your primary care doctor a discharge summary or an updated medication list.
* Not every man who steps into your room is a doctor, and not every woman is a nurse. Just sayin’.