The Universal Hot Crazy Matrix of Medical Specialties

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BOSTON, MA – Okay, so this is the Universal Hot Crazy Matrix of Medical Specialties. It’s everything a young medical student needs to know about picking the specialty that matches their own desire for hotness balanced against their own tolerance of craziness.  I’ve developed this on my own over 13 years in medicine. So this is how it works. You have your crazy axis, and your hot axis. Hot is, as usual, measured from 0 to 10. We’re all familiar with that. Crazy is measured from 4 to 10, because of course there’s no such thing as a physician who is not at least a 4 crazy. No one less than a 4 crazy agrees to spend most of college actually studying followed by 4 years busting their asses to get through med school. So crazy goes from 4 to 10. In the middle is your hot crazy line right here, very important that you keep in mind where the hot crazy line is. Your goal if you’re a normal sane person, is to pick a specialty below the hot crazy line, that is a specialty that’s at least as hot as it is crazy.

The Official Hot Crazy Matrix of Medicine

Let’s talk about a couple sample specialties. Nephrology is about as un-hot as a specialty gets, but its also not real crazy, Nephrologist parties are lame. They straddle the hot crazy axis about as low as you go. ER is for crazy people, we all know this. Its not super hot, no one says “oh man, you’re an ER doctor, that’s hot” at least no one I know. ER doctors are only slightly less crazy and slightly hotter than their patients. Even psychiatry is hotter than ER because at least they have regular work hours.

The hottest specialties are clearly Ortho (biceps), Neurosurgery (brains), and plastic surgery (all the other hot parts) with progressively increasing levels of crazy with Plastic surgeons only being out-crazied by OB/Gyn who will literally have a new hair color every delivery. Its almost like they dye their hair with whatever combination of fluids ends up in that creepy little bag at the end of the bed they have.

ID, GI and Pathology are as unhot as you get, nothing about infections, poop and dead people/dead parts of live people is hot. Radiology is the medical equivalent of 7 minutes in heaven with people who prefer to stay in their own corner of the closet the whole time. Not hot.

General Surgery used to be hotter, but ever since losing their territory faster than the British Empire, not so much. At this pace, General Surgery is going to pop up next to GI on the hot crazy matrix in the next couple of years.

*This chart not approved by the FDA, TJC, NIH, CDC, OPP, CIA, FBI, DEA, WWE, WWF or NWA

  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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