65.8 Million Americans Offer to Donate Ribs to Ruth Bader Ginsburg

  • 20.4K
    Shares

WASHINGTON, D.C. – One day after Republicans gained at least 2 seats in the Senate, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg sustained a fall in her chambers and broke 3 ribs.

The octogenarian judge is the oldest on the Supreme Court and her frail health is not lost on Democrats across the country.  Within hours of her fall, a very concerned Nancy Pelosi put out a call asking for rib donors.  Seconds later, 65,845,063 voters offered to donate one or more ribs to the Notorious RBG.  This far outpaced the 5.8 million who offered to donate their clavicles to Aaron Rodgers.

“Damn it Ruth, BREATHE!!”

When reached for Comment, Justice Ginsburg laughed which led to an excruciating 2-minute coughing fit that sent her incentive spirometer flying.  After her pain subsided, RBG said, “It’s so nice that so many people have offered part or all of their chest wall to me.  Dr. Ocasio-Cortez has assured me I will heal completely on my own without the need for any surgery or transplant, she assured me that she will ensure that all Americans share equally in my pain.”

Several devout liberals have offered internal organs in addition to ribs should Justice Ginsburg have the need.  Rachel Maddow proclaimed on her TV show that “I will donate every organ I have to ensure that she outlasts Trump’s presidency!”

When asked if that included her brain, Maddow replied, “Absolutely, if I can find it, I lost it in November 2016 and haven’t had it since.  She can have my bleeding heart too if that would help.”

At press time, Chuck Schumer was seen attempting to hook RBG up to a heart-lung bypass machine “just in case anything happens between now and January 21, 2021.”

When asked if he knew anything about Justice Ginsburg’s fall, Justice Brett Kavanaugh quickly replied, “Couldn’t have been me!  I was at Mark Judge’s house!  It’s right here on my calendar!”

image_pdfimage_print
  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

  • Show Comments

You May Also Like

The FDA, or Federal Dating Authority, Has Established a New System for Online Dating

103Shares Testing of potential suitors is an exhausting, expensive and occasionally toxic procedure. The ...

new medical interns

Hospital Eliminates July from Calendar, Decreases Mortality 3,000%

16.4KSharesBOSTON, MA – Hospital administrators nationwide are hailing a successful new effort described as “downright ...

Suburban ER Named Fibromyalgia Center of Excellence

4.2KSharesHOLLYWOOD, CA – Specifically mentioning its “soothing atmosphere, unrushed physicians, and tendency for staff ...

Apple iPhone X Crotch IDApple iPhone X Crotch ID

Breaking: Apple’s iPhone X Introduces New Crotch ID Feature

121SharesCUPERTINO, CA – One more thing: Apple CEO Tim Cook has announced a new ...