SCHAUMBURG, IL – The American Society of Anesthesiologists (ASA) has called a rare emergency meeting earlier today after one of its most highly-recognized members, Ryan Grossman, fell victim to an incredibly cruel prank: a surgeon stole all of his drapes.
Grossman declined to be interviewed on account of active panic attacks and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
From several credible sources, Gomerblog has been able to tease out the following: At 6:45 AM, Grossman reported to operating room 5 at Atlanta Memorial Hospital (AMH). After going through the usual steps, his patient was easily intubated and anesthetized. It was as he tried to prepare the ritual drape to set the boundaries between Surgery and Anesthesia that he saw there were no drapes, and horror immediately set in.
“It was as if he had seen a ghost, he turned pale and quiet for a few seconds before emitting this thunderous shriek that rattled every object in the hospital,” scrub tech Evangeline Jones explained, her ears still bleeding a bit from the high-decibel scream. “Moments later, he fainted.”
Though no one has claimed responsibility, general surgeon Pericles Economos is the number one suspect. For one, the patient Grossman was prepping belonged to Economos. Two, Economos was already scrubbed in and started laughing hysterically, pointing even, when Grossman fell to the ground.
“We all started laughing when we saw that Economos had actually peed his pants from laughing so hard,” said Jones, realizing she was the only one in OR 5 that her sh*t together. “Seriously, how old are we?”
News traveled quickly through the ranks of the Department of Anesthesiology at AMH. In fact, within 15 minutes, it had spread to Jeffrey Plagenhoef, the President of the ASA. Without hesitation, he called an emergency meeting, bringing in over 20,000 fellow anesthesiologists across the country to discuss today’s events, how to prevent future drape thefts, and potentially to plan retaliation.
“This is a dark day for Anesthesia, we will mourn and we will regroup, we will never stand idly by,” Plagenhoef pled to his Anesthesia legions to the roar of approval. “Unless there’s a really good sudoku to solve, then we might stand idly by for a little bit.”
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