In this series, Gomerblog helps health care professionals compare and contrast two entities that are often mistaken for one another. Today we discuss the differences and similarities between asteroids and hemorrhoids.
Hemorrhoids are dilated veins within the anus. They can cause numerous symptoms including pain, bleeding, and itching. Asteroids are minor planets orbiting the sun. They do not cause anal pain, bleeding, or itching.
The majority of asteroids are found in the Asteroid Belt, located in the solar system between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter. The majority of hemorrhoids are found in the anal canal, located in rectal system between the buttocks of the left and the right.
Hemorrhoids do not orbit the sun. Asteroids are also known as flying space turds.
A hemorrhoid can be classified as external or internal based on their location relative to the dentate line. It gets more complicated with asteroids because it is based on their orbits and orbital distance, but not relative to the dentate line. There are near-Earth asteroids, Earth trojans, Mars trojans, the Asteroid Belt, and Jupiter trojans. It is always important to take the sexual history of an asteroid.
Asteroids, with the exception of larger planetoids, generally can’t be seen with the naked eye and require the use of powerful telescopes. External hemorrhoids can be seen with the naked eye but internal hemorrhoids may require anoscopy for visualization.
You can touch hemorrhoids with your finger, you can even smell them if you want. Same can’t be said about asteroids.
Hemorrhoids can cause significant bleeding but pales in comparison to the Chicxulub asteroid, which struck the Earth 66 million years ago and caused the extinction of a whole host of species including the dinosaurs. That caused way more bleeding.
Astronomers are the experts who deal with asteroids. Internists, hospitalists, gastroenterologists, and general surgeons are the experts who deal with hemorrhoids. Many gastroenterologists, however, would consider scoping an asteroid.
Treatment for hemorrhoids include hydrocortisone or analgesic creams, as well as sitz baths. The best treatment for an asteroid is to send Bruce Willis to detonate a bomb on its surface like in Armageddon.
Finally, in 1979, Atari released an arcade shooting game called Asteroids, whereby a spaceship tried to blow up as many asteroids as possible. It was a huge success. In 1980, Atari released a sequel, Hemorrhoids, whereby a general surgeon resected as many hemorrhoids as possible. It bombed.