U.S. economy crashes ICU

Breaking: U.S. Economy Crashes, Transferred to ICU

  • 483

NEW YORK, NY – Gomerblog has learned that the U.S. economy is crashing and is no longer stable for the medical floor.  It has been transferred to the medical intensive care unit (MICU) for further management.

U.S. economy crashes ICU
Call a Code!!!

The bullish economy has shown increasingly unstable vital signs over the past two weeks.  But on Friday, the market effectively turned septic as the Dow Jones plunged by 497 points, leaving everyone, especially its investors, cool and clammy.

The S&P 500 and Nasdaq dropped by 1.9% and 2.3%, respectively, even when checked manually at bedside by nurses.

A rectal exam was negative for bleeding.

Establishing venous access was challenging for the Code Team that responded, but thankfully a vein was located in northern Alabama.  Once the economy entered the ICU, the MICU team started aggressive fluid resuscitation, vasopressors, and, of course, bicarb.  Just when things looked like they were stabilizing, the U.S. economy developed respiratory distress and had to be intubated for airway protection.

“It’s hard to say what the underlying etiology is, it could be related to the uncertain fate between Europe & Brexit, it could be related to the trade war between China and the U.S., or it could be a bad urinary tract infection, we just don’t know,” explained MICU attending Dr. Janelle Jones.  “The good news is it’s nothing that can’t be fixed with vanc and Zosyn.”

On Friday, Johnson & Johnson stocks dropped by 10% on account of news that its baby powder contained asbestos.  For that reason, Jones and the MICU team have ordered a CT chest to rule out asbestosis and malignant mesothelioma as a possible contributing underlying etiology for the economy’s deteriorating condition.

The U.S. economy is a full code.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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