Metastatic Fibromyalgia Spreading Through Knitting Groups Across US

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LITTLE ROCK, AR – The Arkansas chapter of the American Knitting Association has been decimated lately by an unexpected ailment.

The Razorback Knitters have lost 12 of their 14 members this year alone to an epidemic of Metastatic Fibromyalgia. It appears that once one knitter in a club is diagnosed with fibromyalgia, 75% of their co-knitters also realize that they too have minor aches completely unrelated to their extremely low activity level or their weight.

Metastatic Fibromyalgia is devastating the knitting community

Joann Fluphy, Razorback Knitters President, said she was “completely shocked to learn that I too had caught the fibromiga or whatever it’s called. What are the odds that numerous obese middle aged sedentary women would all develop a condition that cannot be tested for or verified other than poking and asking if it hurts? Can’t be more than 80%!”

The worse part according to Mrs. Fluphy is that “my doctor won’t give me narcotics for this pain! It’s at least an 11/10 several times a month. Then she had the nerve to tell me to exercise more and try to lose some weight! I walk every day! I walk to the mailbox and back every afternoon and to the kitchen from the living room at least a dozen times a day. What more do they want?”

In total, Metastatic fibromyalgia has spread to knitting clubs in 37 states endangering thousand of necks that are dependent on homemade scarves for warmth this winter.

  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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