Mr. Peanut

Breaking: Mr. Peanut Allergic to Himself

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Mr. Peanut
He will need to buy pants in order to carry EpiPens

PITTSBURGH, PA – Unfortunate news today as the Kraft Heinz Company announced that one of its most beloved mascots, Planters’ Mr. Peanut, has been diagnosed with a peanut allergy.

“This is a very unusual case because of the tremendously late onset; Mr. Peanut is 102 years old!” said allergist Dr. Antonio Gentile, who also found he was allergic to tree nuts.  According to Gentile, Mr. Peanut has had increased episodes of hives and tongue swelling any time he was exposed to himself.  The worst episodes occurred whenever he licked or nibbled on his own body.  Thankfully, he hasn’t suffered any respiratory issues.  Not yet anyway.

Mr. Peanut has been given a prescription for an EpiPen, and will do his best to avoid all exposures to himself and his company in future to prevent anaphylaxis.

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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