Totally Unclear Murky Liquid Diet

Patient Put on Totally Unclear, Very Murky Liquid Diet

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AUSTIN, TX – Seeking to ruffle some feathers by going against the usual progression from NPO to clear liquids, hospitalist Roy McRoy placed his patient with improving pancreatitis on a Totally Unclear, Very Murky Liquid Diet.

Totally Unclear Murky Liquid Diet
Kinda like this, but worse

“I was wondering to myself what would be the opposite of a clear liquid diet,” McRoy told Gomerblog very candidly in an interview.  “I typed ‘Unclear’ into the search box in the orders and was surprised to see something populate.  In fact I had more than one choice.  There was an Unclear Liquid Diet, a Really Unclear Liquid Diet, and finally the one I chose: a Totally Unclear, Very Murky Liquid Diet.  I was too curious.  I ordered it.”

“To be fair, Dr. McRoy explained what he was going to order,” explained his patient John McJohns.  “I initially thought he was joking, so I sorta agreed to it.  Little did I know they would bring something that looked like this.”  It’s hard to describe the bowl sitting in front of McJohns, but it certainly looks unappealing and smells even worse, as if something died in the broth last week.  “I imagine this is what sewage, diarrhea, saliva, blood, and infected urine would look like if they decided to mix together.”  (McJohns is being modest in his description, in my opinion.)

If there is any good news to this story, dining services have reassured McJohns that the concoction has been boiled for several minutes, ensuring that “hopefully most of the bugs in it have been killed.”  That ray of hope quickly faded when McJohns asked what was in the “soup” and the person from dining services simply shrugged his shoulders and left.

“Great,” McJohns sarcastically reacted.  “My pancreas is surely gonna love this.”

McRoy is confident his patient will fully recover, and is already anticipating the next several days in management.

“If he asks for a regular diet, it looks as if we have an Incredibly Irregular diet as one order,” McRoy chuckled.  “But if he asks for a general diet, I’ll order this – a Really Specific Diet – which funnily enough doesn’t have any more description about what’s in it.  He’ll get a kick out of this!”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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