New England Journal flies

93% of New England Journals Are Rolled Up & Used to Kill Flies

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New England Journal flies
“Honey, hand me last month’s issue”

BOSTON, MA – Maybe don’t throw away all those unread New England Journals just yet: A study published in this month’s issue of the New England Journal of Medicine found that 92.7% of New England Journals are not read by subscribers and are instead rolled up and used to swat at and kill flies.

“That is remarkable but not at all surprising,” said Journal subscriber Dr. Lindsey Oaks, who once killed four flies in a ten-minute span with a single July 2016 issue.  “That means that 93% of this month’s subscribers will not realize that the issue they’re using to kill flies actually contains a study about using Journal issues to kill flies.  Wow, that’s so meta.”

According to the authors of the study, the thickness of the Journal makes it intimidating for subscribers to ever want to read them but it’s that same exact property that enables it to be rolled into a formidable weapon.  At least, a formidable weapon when used to combat the nuisance that is a common house fly buzzing around your home.  Because no physician can overcome the guilt to actually throw these issues away, they are readily accessible since they are always strewn about a physician’s home.  That’s bad news for insects.

The authors concluded that the ratio of Journal articles read to houseflies killed is less than 1 and potentially approaches 0.

No formal studies have ever looked at which medical journal is most effective at killing flies, but expert consensus says the New England Journal has a slightly higher kill rate than the Annals of Internal Medicine, though both hover above 95%.  It is generally accepted in the medical community as fact that a rolled up medical journal is a more effective weapon than a rolled up newspaper when dealing with pests, interns included.

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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