polar vortex

Polar Vortex Advice: Urologists Recommend Setting Genitals on Fire for Warmth

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A graveyard of frostbitten genitalia

LINTHICUM, MD – With the polar vortex forcing them to convene a rare emergency meeting, the American Urological Association (AUA) has issued new recommendations to the public, advising all Americans, Midwesterners in particular, to prophylactically set their genitals on fire to keep them warm.

“The record-setting low temperatures are putting every penis, scrotum, vagina, and labia at risk for immediate frostbite and, worse, detachment,” explained President of the AUA, Dr. Aaron Smegma.  “These wind chills and wind gusts are fierce; I have never seen so many sex and reproductive organs flying in the wind.  We implore you, do not freeze your balls off, your ovaries off.  Do the sensible thing and set them ablaze.”

No Midwestern scrotums have been spotted since the polar vortex hit, all of them ascending out of the groin completely, up into and adjacent to the pericardium to completely maximize warmth.  In the same manner, Midwestern ovaries have retreated out the pelvis and into the mediastinum until temperatures rise above freezing again, which may not be for several weeks.

The American Gynelogical & Obstetrical Society (AGOS) emphatically supports the AUA position statement, adding that “insulating oneself in a warm tub of amniotic fluid is simply not enough.”

Smegma states there are numerous methods by which one can incinerate his or her own naughty bits, however, none have been formally studied head-to-head in a randomized-controlled double-blinded trial.  However, he does say that he blowtorched his own genitalia just a few minutes ago and it wasn’t that bad, if you exclude the smoke inhalation from charred pubic hair.

“Warmth is warmth, no matter what form it takes,” Smegma noted, as he warmed his hands by his burnt crotch.  “Ahhhhhhh…. Anybody have some marshmallows?”

The AUA and AGOS are expected to announce formal recommendations on the management of ice-cold nipples within the next 24 hours.

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