ATLANTA, GA – It’s not just humans sneezing this spring. According to area allergists, tree pollen levels have soared so astronomically that trees themselves have been overwhelming clinics with requests for allergy medications.
“I’ve never heard a pine tree sneeze before, but I got to check that off the bucket list,” said allergist Dr. Sara Barnett, whose clinic waiting room legitimately can be mistaken for a forest. “It’s a pretty high-pitched sneeze, but seek cover from all the flying pine cones.”
Local pine, oak, sweet gum, hackberry, and birch trees have overwhelmed the city’s pharmacies, like Kroger and CVS, completely depleting them of any and all Flonase, Zyrtec, Claritin, and Benadryl supplies. CVS employee, Phoebe Jones, said one hackberry tree was so desperate from the debilitating rhinorrhea and sneezing it said, “I just can’t take it any more, find me a lumberjack, and I’ll scream out myself, ‘TIMBER!'” (Currently that hackberry tree has been involuntarily committed to an inpatient psychiatric arboretum.)
Emergency rooms report an uptick in trees asking for IV Benadryl.
Even area grasses and weeds have been suffering incessant congestion and watery stems, their only relief coming in the form of wiping themselves on picnic blankets being laid out by humans stupid enough to subject themselves to the outdoors this time of year.
It’s a rare sight to see but all the trees within Piedmont Park are donning N95 and N99 masks to help minimize their pollen inhalation. Take a simple stroll through the park and you’ll hear trees sniffling constantly, complaining among themselves, “Geez, when is it going to rain already?! For the love of…”
“I always thought I would be taking care of people, so this is a bit of an adjustment,” Barnett told Gomerblog. “I will admit one thing: it’s a bit weird watching trees fill out paperwork, no? It feels wrong. It’s like feeding a chicken scrambled eggs. But I guess these guys are desperate. If trees can’t survive tree pollen, who can?”