AMA Admits ‘We Are in the Pocket of Big Oxygen,’ Issues Formal Apology to Conspiracy Theorists

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Anti-vaxxers, conspiracy theorists, naturalists, you had it right all along. Our rampant greed as medical providers knows no bounds. You have called us out time and time again for being in the pocket of big pharma. The AMA would like to apologize on behalf of all medical personnel everywhere. We are profiting handsomely from prescribing and administering these dangerous and unnatural chemicals. Shame on us.

I’m the spirit of coming clean, we would like to be thoroughly transparent with you. It’s shameful to admit, but we are also in the pocket of big oxygen. We are indeed trying to kill you, death by nasal cannula.

Oxygen is a sinister and combustible gas that might cause you to spontaneously explode. Just check Wikipedia. It is highly reactive and therefore it is an extremely dangerous component of air.

Be forewarned though. Next time you go to the ER with respiratory distress they may try to apply a nasal cannula with a couple liters of oxygen. You better be proactive and decline it just so you don’t blow up, or worse yet, line our greedy pockets.

I’m telling you this as a courtesy. I didn’t have to divulge this big secret but I wanted you to feel confident as you take your power back from us. Rest assured, the next time you come in to the ER with a heart attack or respiratory problem you can hold your head high and decline that 2 liters nasal cannula and lecture us on our greed. We will abide by your wishes and thank you for putting us in our place.

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