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ICU Signout: ‘Codes Every Few Minutes, But Otherwise Stable’

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – During signout for the patient transferring out of the medical intensive care unit (MICU) today, third-year medical resident Louis Jenner said matter-of-factly to the hospitalist take over his care that “he codes every few minutes, but [is] otherwise stable.”

“Thank goodness for that,” hospitalist Dr. Molly Watson told Gomerblog. “I was worried he was sick or something. I probably won’t see him until tomorrow.”

Jenner continued to reassure Watson, saying the patient codes three-to-four times an hour but that’s his baseline. “I wouldn’t get too worked up about it,” Jenner explained, “since he suffers from acute on chronic cardiopulmonary arrest. But, again, he’s otherwise stable without complaints in between those episodes where he is, I guess, technically dead.”

Currently the patient’s vital signs are stable, though his heart rate and blood pressure are known to drop to zero from time to time.

Wrapping up his signout, Jenner finished by saying, “Other than that, he’s stable to transfer to the floor. Feel free to call back if you have any questions.”

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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