August Intern Pretty Sure This is Consistent with an ECG

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CHARLESTON, SC – August internal medicine intern Paul McCrady was called to the bedside because one of his patients had substernal crushing chest pain. After obtaining a stat electrocardiogram, McCrady is almost positive this is consistent with an ECG.

“The good news,” McCrady told his 65-year-old patient with long-standing diabetes, hypertension, hyperlipidemia, 50-pack-year smoking history, and family history of heart disease clearly exhibiting Levine’s sign, “is that this, in my opinion, is not a chest X-ray. I’m pretty sure it’s not a CT chest, CT of the head, or barium enema. In my estimation,” McCrady paused to hold it up close and then far away from his eyes, “this is most certainly consistent with what we call an ECG, or an electrocardiogram for long.”

Thousands of studies have consistently proven that August interns, similar to the conclusion of thousands of studies looking at July interns, are not great. McCrady continued to uphold the long-standing tradition, with pride carrying the torch of mediocrity.

“There’s a lot of squiggly lines, sir,” McCrady continued, “which again proves my hypothesis of this being an ECG. It has your name at the top, so that’s good news. You know, this bears a strong resemblance to telemetry, that’s for sure, although this image in my hand is pretty static. Lots of reassuring news.”

In other news, McCrady remains alone in the patient’s room with the ECG in his hand, while the patient has been whisked off to the cardiac catheterization lab.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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