Healthcare patients and staff alike, know and enjoy the thrill of a good enema. The art and science of colon cleansing (colonics) has taken quantum leaps in one NC hospital. Colon researchers at the North Carolina Hospital for Gastric Wellness (NCHGW) have designed and implemented new enema modalities guided by patient satisfaction and the corporate revenue cycle. The obsolete and boring soapsuds and Fleet enemas have now been replaced with many new and exciting options that guarantee satisfaction and results.
For those who imbibe, the Enemenu boasts several products sure to tickle anyone’s fancy. The new Pina Colonata enema offers a vacation island motif with a hint of coconut, pineapple and rum. The icy Pina Colonata is guaranteed to “soothe my angry asstroids” according to enema consumer Felix Roberts. The more complex Long Island Asstea enema selection is also available and ensures a positive and plentiful result while the patient enjoys the complex melding of Triple sec, rum, and cola. The new Screwdriver enema is, well, self explanatory. Other high proof enemas available include the Phillips Milk of Mojito, and Mag Citron.
For those enema connoisseurs who prefer to avoid alcohol, NCHGW has several non-alcoholic products available. The Coca Colon is an ever pleasing and most efficient bowel evacuator powered by its natural and explosive carbonation. Nurse Jenny Lumbard advises to have a bedside commode standing by when administering the Coca Colon, and further states “anyone in the room would be advised to wear a gown, gloves, shoe covers, and protective goggles as well as a self-contained breathing device.” Here in the South, the Coke/Pepsi debate continues to rage so for those eschewing Coke, there is a Poopsie Cola option. The carbonated cola enema is particularly well suited for those pesky and annoying fecaliths as once the enema is instilled, the patient may briskly jump up and down activating the turbo feature of the cola enema. Patients who prefer a non-cola option may request the Mountain of Doo enema featuring a sweet citrusy nuance that still has the turbo carbonation feature, or the Dr. Pooper enema. And for those preferring a sparkling clear soda enema, the 7-Uptheass is available upon request.
Sometimes, patients request the new and experiential maltenemas which contain less alcohol but still retain the efficiency and pleasure of carbonation. Domestic enema options include Buttweiser, with a hint of beechwood aging. Imports enemas include Hineykin, the “well asstablished choice Lager.” For the more discriminating colon cleansee, NCHGW’s enema steward and ED physician Dr. Janus Proctor recommends the Sigmoid Sauvignon. Dr. Proctor describes this selection as “rich, red, bold, and effective.” The Zinfanal is a lighter and sweeter domestic enema option.
Despite the many available and quality enema choices, the enema experience is partly dependent on a variety of delivery devices. Enema researchers at NCHGW under the leadership of Nurse Mitchell Bower have designed several insertion tips sure to bring excitement and pleasure to the total enema experience. The Rectalwrecker features an extra wide tip patients describe as stimulating and surprising but perhaps not for the client inexperienced in rectal
insertions. The Ribbedtip catheter is a consistent pleaser but should be used with an elegant sufficiency of lubricant. And, the Curvycath enema tip employs a curved but firm tip guaranteed to “rub you just right” according to Maddie Barken, a regular enema consumer at NCHGW.
The staff, physicians, and administration of NCHGW hope you will stop by and try one of their many enema options. Stay alert for enema specials listed on holidays and weekends.
Warning! The staff at NCHGW cautions you not to try this at home. At the least, you could ruin your home forever never to be lived in again, or at the worst, you could shit yourself to death making it impossible for the EMTs to reach you.