Self-Proclaimed “Basic B*tch” Has Blood pH of 7.4 Despite Drinking Alkaline Water Daily

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Portland, OR- Based on recommendations from  several Facebook groups, celebrity Instagram accounts and talk shows, many women are jumping on the “Alkaline water” bandwagon. 

“I wear Uggs year round, I drink pumpkin spice lattes from August to May, I have a 4lb dog that rides in my purse, I wear oversized aviator sunglasses even on cloudy days and I only drink Alkaline water. I don’t know how I could be any more basic!!”

One such woman, Toomani Hashtagues, recently demanded that her primary care mid level draw blood to “make sure I’m truly a basic bitch.”

Reluctantly, Neu Gradd NP, RN, DNP, BLS, ACLS, PALS, GED, BFD, JK agreed and ordered an ABG. “I had no clue why she wanted to know her blood pH but she was soo damn insistent that I ordered it. I hadn’t seen an ABG since my 4 months of nursing before I finished online NP school.”

The next day, Ms. Hashtagues was devastated to hear that her blood pH was a paltry 7.4. “That’s like normal for humans. Sure it’s basic compared to neutral pH but I’m a very basic bitch or at least that’s what my Tinder profile says.”

“I wear Uggs year round, I drink pumpkin spice lattes from August to May, I have a 4lb dog that rides in my purse, I wear oversized aviator sunglasses even on cloudy days and I only drink Alkaline water. I don’t know how I could be any more basic!!” Hashtagues lamented. 

The next day she brought her own 100% alkaline natural spring water to Starbucks to be used to make her low-fat PSL. “I can’t take any chances!” Hashtagues proudly told Gomerblog as she walked into one of the 7 Starbuck’s on her block. 

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  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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