SEATTLE, WA—A Seattle-based vaping company has been forced into damage control amidst claims that its new e-cigarette targets newborns. The basis for the claims arises from the fact that the new e-cigarette is breastmilk-flavored and is being sold in vending machines in maternity wards and baby stores.

The vaping company, however, vehemently denies that it is targeting newborns. “The idea that we want precious little babies to smoke our product is ludicrous,” said company CEO Fletcher Walker. “Sure, our e-cigarette is designed perfectly for people without teeth because all you need to be able to do is suck and inhale, and thus babies would be perfect consumers for our product. But despite that, we are definitely not marketing it to them.”

When challenged about the curious decision to go with a breastmilk flavor, Walker countered, “Well we are quite clearly targeting men. Men love boobs and many men enjoy milk so of course they would love our breastmilk-flavored e-cig!”

Critics, however, say Walker is clearly lying he says the company is targeting adult males. And they have some evidence to back that claim up. They point to the product’s packaging, which contain vivid images of popular cartoon characters, including Doc McStuffins, Elmo and Daniel Tiger. They also point out that the vaping company recently purchased Pampers and has been inserting free packages of the breastmilk e-cigs in every box of Pampers diapers.

But perhaps the clearest sign that the vaping company targets newborns is its name: Nicotine Baby. But Walker sees no correlation: “The word ‘baby’ here is clearly meant as an interjection, as in ‘Nicotine, baby!’. The name clearly does not refer to a baby that’s addicted to nicotine.”

Parents though are very concerned. Said one alarmed mother, “Last week I was making dinner and when I turned around, my baby had gotten into the Pampers box, retrieved an e-cig and was sucking away on it! She was giggling and clearly enjoying the breastmilk flavor. Now when she craves milk, she pushes my boobs away and isn’t satisfied until I shove a Nicotine Baby e-cig in her mouth!”

Upon hearing of the above case, Walker said he and the whole Nicotine Baby family felt awful. But later that night, he signed the addicted baby to a multimillion-dollar deal to star in company ads—ads that absolutely, definitely, positively do not target newborns.

Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!