Unprepared Patient Cramming for Tomorrow’s Rectal Exam

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AUBURN, AL – Forever the procrastinator, nervous and unprepared patient Johnny Sanders has started cramming for tomorrow’s rectal exam in the hopes he can pass.

“This happens to me every time!” Sanders frantically tells Gomerblog, as he quickly leafs through medical web sites and textbooks. “I always wait until the last minute to study for tests. Man oh man, I can’t believe I did again. I really hope I don’t fail!”

According to Sanders’ notes, the rectal exam will be proctored by the patient’s primary care physician (PCP), Dr. Eddie Pharr, at 9 AM tomorrow. He has no idea about the test format, if it’ll be multiple-choice questions, essay format, or an oral exam.

“Do the intestines include the rectum, or is that completely different?” Sanders asked aloud. “And what about the anus, is that the same thing as the rectum? I’m so screwed. I never did well in science and I definitely didn’t major in it in college. Oh, this bad, this is really, really bad. Should I keep reading or maybe just do practice questions? What do I need to pass, a 65?”

When asked for comment, Dr. Pharr seemed shocked. “I’m unaware of a rectal exam. But, now that I think of it, he is due for a prostate exam. Hope he’s ready for that tomorrow!”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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