ALEXANDRIA, VA—In a move that has left many speechless, the board of directors of the American Academy of Otolaryngology (AAO) voted unanimously today to drop the nose, declaring it is no longer interested in caring for the olfactory organ. The specialty colloquially known as Ear, Nose & Throat (ENT) will officially become only Ear & Throat by year’s end.
“It’s simple,” said AAO President Albert Merati. “We just don’t like the nose anymore. Sinusitis? Boring! Nasal discharge? Gross! Epistaxis? Just kill me now if I have to pack one more ER nosebleeder at 3am!
“Look,” he continued, “you could smell this move a mile away. I mean we don’t even include the “naso” root in our official name of otolaryngology. The nose is ugly, it’s often misshapen, and it’s by far the weakest sensory organ. It’s not academically or clinically stimulating. Frankly, we’re embarrassed to be affiliated with it.”
The AAO Directors were quick to point out, however, that they’re not suggesting that the nose be ignored. They acknowledge that serious nasal disorders do exist; they just want someone else to deal with them.
But who wants the nose? Which specialty will raise its hands and pick the nose? Somewhat obvious ones like Pulmonary and Allergy quickly pulled out of the nose running. But plenty other specialties are sniffing around, indicating their interest in adding the nose to their specialty. These include: Podiatry (Foot & Nose specialists, anyone?), Proctology (Butt & Nose?), Ob/Gyn (Pap & nasal smear 2-for-1 special?), Dermatology (“Scratch & Sniff” specialists?), Pathology (“Stiffs & Sniffs”?), Urology (‘Snot just pee anymore) and Hand Surgery (“Wrist & Snout”).
But Vegas odds makers surprisingly believe the front-runner is Nuclear Medicine. Long known as “Unclear Medicine” by other doctors because nobody knows what they do, nuclear medicine leaders believe that picking the nose will make them more attractive and appealing. “This will give our stuffy specialty a clearer direction,” said Dr. Ray Geiger, a nuclear medicine physician.
Imagining a world with Nuclear & Nasal Medicine (“We glow and blow”), Dr. Geiger glows radiantly. He can’t wait to evaluate for sinusitis by doing tagged WBC scans and treating nose pimples by blasting them with radiation.
As for ENT…er, ET, we hear—and this may be tough to swallow—it may actually have set it sights on acquiring another organ. Insiders say its 5-year plan includes stealing Eye away from Ophthalmology to become EET (Ear, Eye & Throat). Poor Ophthalmology…it won’t even see it coming.