WASHINGTON, DC—Jenny McCarthy, once famous for a spread of nude photos in Playboy and now for causing the spread of measles in the US, is apoplectic over a new vaccination bill that experts believe will help eradicate the infectious anti-vaccination movement by the year 2030. The bill, which is expected to pass unanimously in Congress later this year, removes all exemptions for mandatory childhood immunizations and criminalizes anti-vaccination speech.
“I feel like I’m being singled out by this bill,” complained McCarthy, though it’s unclear why she feels this way about a bill named The Anti-McCarthyism Act. “This law is so unconstitutional. It violates my first amendment right to spew whatever dangerous, irresponsible nonsense I want about vaccines. I refuse to be silenced by anything other than acute laryngitis from a diphtheria infection.”
With no plans to end her crusade against vaccines, McCarthy is set to begin a national antivax speaking tour accompanied by Andrew Wakefield, the proven medical quack who made unproven claims and falsified evidence about a link between the MMR vaccine and autism in a 1998 article published in The Lancet, GomerBlog’s chief competitor in the fake medical news industry.
McCarthy’s plans notwithstanding, the authors of the bill believe that most anti-vaxxers will quickly fall in line once the harsh consequences of breaking the new law are publicized. Punishments under consideration for skipping or criticizing mandatory vaccinations include:
1. Spending a month in an isolation prison cell with a tiny roommate named Smallpox
2. Getting shot repeatedly (Ed. Note: as in being forced to get all their immunization shots…we think)
3. Being shipped to Mars where they can live vaccine-free in a sterile extraterrestrial environment.
Sources tell us that the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) is also developing a vaccine against the contagious antivax movement. This vaccine will prompt the immune system to neutralize the specific neurochemicals involved in forming an anti-vaccination thought. One potential flaw, however, of giving this vaccine to an anti-vaxxer: it requires the user to actually be capable of making a coherent thought.
Finally, although the goal is complete eradication of the anti-vaccination movement, some CDC administrators want to preserve a sample and have left open the possibility of storing Jenny McCarthy in a CDC freezer indefinitely for future research purposes.