vaccination

New Vaccination Campaign Seeks to Eradicate Anti-Vax Movement by 2030

  • 597
    Shares

WASHINGTON, DC—Jenny McCarthy, once famous for a spread of nude photos in Playboy and now for causing the spread of measles in the US, is apoplectic over a new vaccination bill that experts believe will help eradicate the infectious anti-vaccination movement by the year 2030. The bill, which is expected to pass unanimously in Congress later this year, removes all exemptions for mandatory childhood immunizations and criminalizes anti-vaccination speech.

“I feel like I’m being singled out by this bill,” complained McCarthy, though it’s unclear why she feels this way about a bill named The Anti-McCarthyism Act. “This law is so unconstitutional. It violates my first amendment right to spew whatever dangerous, irresponsible nonsense I want about vaccines. I refuse to be silenced by anything other than acute laryngitis from a diphtheria infection.”

With no plans to end her crusade against vaccines, McCarthy is set to begin a national antivax speaking tour accompanied by Andrew Wakefield, the proven medical quack who made unproven claims and falsified evidence about a link between the MMR vaccine and autism in a 1998 article published in The Lancet, GomerBlog’s chief competitor in the fake medical news industry.

McCarthy’s plans notwithstanding, the authors of the bill believe that most anti-vaxxers will quickly fall in line once the harsh consequences of breaking the new law are publicized. Punishments under consideration for skipping or criticizing mandatory vaccinations include:

1. Spending a month in an isolation prison cell with a tiny roommate named Smallpox

2. Getting shot repeatedly (Ed. Note: as in being forced to get all their immunization shots…we think)

3. Being shipped to Mars where they can live vaccine-free in a sterile extraterrestrial environment.

Sources tell us that the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) is also developing a vaccine against the contagious antivax movement. This vaccine will prompt the immune system to neutralize the specific neurochemicals involved in forming an anti-vaccination thought. One potential flaw, however, of giving this vaccine to an anti-vaxxer: it requires the user to actually be capable of making a coherent thought.

Finally, although the goal is complete eradication of the anti-vaccination movement, some CDC administrators want to preserve a sample and have left open the possibility of storing Jenny McCarthy in a CDC freezer indefinitely for future research purposes.

image_pdfimage_print
  • Proton Pimp

    Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar.

  • Show Comments

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

bacon-eluting stent

Cardiologists Now Deploying Bacon-Eluting Stents

2.9KSharesNASHVILLE, TN – Unfazed by the obesity epidemic and the glorious number of unhealthy choices at ...

condoms

Surgeon General Admits: Condoms ‘Kinda Suck’

198SharesWASHINGTON, DC – During a press conference yesterday, Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy admitted ...

27-Page Birth Plan Even Includes a Zombie Apocalypse Clause

2KSharesCLEVELAND, OH – Heather Briggins, from Parma Heights, recently was admitted to St. Joe’s in labor at ...

cell phone brain cancer

Alarming Study Finds Malignant Brain Cancers Appear on Side of Cell Phone Use

124SharesBOSTON, MA – A new multi-center randomized study to be published next week in Medicine found that ...