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SANTA FE, MN – For guests who want to experience the ultimate in relaxation, the spa at the Inn of the Four Extremities is offering a 55-minute carotid sinus massage. It is the first spa in the United States to do so.

“We’re very proud of this new addition to the spa menu,” explained Grace Vargas, one of the spa’s massage therapists. “The results are universal: every single guest reaches levels of relaxation never before reached. In fact, we can barely wake them all up.”

According to the spa’s website, the traditional carotid sinus massage uses arnica oil, herbal packs, deep pressure, and fluid strokes to relax the body by working out all the knots in those “pesky” afferent nerve fibers in the carotid sinus, thereby “delighting” cranial nerve IX and the medulla oblongata. The pressure is provided for a generous 55 minutes.

Unfortunately, this carotid sinus massage is contraindicated in guests with recent strokes, transient ischemic attacks, and heart attacks, or a history of ventricular arrhythmias.

Of note, guests are able to enhance their carotid sinus massage with optional additions of a steam, scrub, Himalayan sea salts, or Ayurvedic telemetry.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.