MCAT Advice for Pre-Med Students, Completely Free (of anything useful)

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Here at GomerBlog, we believe that the children are our future and that pre-med students are the future of medicine. So it’s our mission to help them in any way we can as they are about to give up their social lives for the next decade and embark on the craziest adventure of their lives. The initial topic we wish to cover is the medical school entrance exam called the MCATs. We hope that after you read this MCAT review, which is completely free (of anything useful), you will be ready to ace the exam.

First, we asked a group of seasoned doctors about their unforgettable MCAT experiences. Here are the responses:

1. “The what?? Never heard of it.”

2. “No idea what you’re talking about.”

3. “I’m sure I took it—I must have. But for the life of me, I cannot recall a single thing that we were tested on.”

4. “Oh sure, the MCATs. I remember those. I think I scored a perfect 1600.”

5. “Hmmm. I remember taking the PSATs, SATs, ACT, USMLE Steps 1, 2 and 3, and the Medical Boards. I even remember the ERBs in elementary school. But MCATs? No recollection of it.”

6. “Is that the one where actors pretend to have a disease and you have to guess which one?”

But not everyone has completely forgotten the MCATs:

1. “How could I forget? I took it 10 times before I finally just barely passed. Sure, I’d love to teach an MCAT review course for your pre-med readers. Thanks for offering!”

2. “MCATs??? Why’d you have to bring that word up? Thanks a lot! You just triggered my PTSD!”

3. “Sure, I remember. I aced the math section, but the verbal section killed me. Hate those stupid analogies.”

Many had some sound advice about studying for the MCATs and getting into med school:

1. “Why even bother studying? You’ll never have to use any of the stuff it tests you on in real life.”

2. “Just read every GomerBlog article a hundred times, retweet them all, and you’ll crush the exam.”

3. “Oh, I think I scored a 0 on the MCATs, but I still got into med school cause my folks paid a $5 million bribe to the school. Tell your parents to do the same.”

Finally, one doctor wanted to make students feel more at ease before taking the MCATs:

1. “Don’t worry! This is just the single most important test you’ve ever taken in your life. Don’t screw it up, or you can kiss your medical career goodbye.”

We hope this review helped, but if it didn’t…oh well. What do you expect from a free (of anything useful) article? Google “MCATs” yourself, and find out what it’s about. We would’ve done it…but we don’t really care that much about you. Best of luck!

  • Proton Pimp

    Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!

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