UPenn Med School Retires Dr. Oz’s White Coat

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PHILADELPHIA, PA—In a move that most have hailed as long overdue, the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania (UPenn) finally honored famed alumnus and acclaimed physician Mehmet Oz by retiring his medical student white coat at a well-attended campus ceremony yesterday.

Sources with zero ties to the school tell us that a longstanding tradition at UPenn calls for the graduating class to pass on its white coats to incoming first-year medical students. Over the years, however, UPenn has retired the white coats, never to be worn again, of their most exemplary alumni in recognition of their outstanding work in the advancement of the medical sciences.

Last month, the UPenn Board of Trustees voted unanimously to retire Dr. Oz’s white coat.  “We applaud Mehmet for expanding his medical knowledge beyond what he learned here and using that to educate the public on vitally important topics such as the effects of astrological signs on one’s health, unproven miracle weight loss remedies and the health benefits of communicating with the dead.”

“It’s this kind of outside-the-box thinking,” said board member, Sue Gulbel, “that separates Mehmet from the average UPenn medical graduate, who only practices unimaginative evidence-based medicine.”

At the ceremony yesterday, Dr. Oz’s worthiness of this medical honor was given validity by the presence of many of his esteemed professional colleagues—Oprah Winfrey, Jerry Springer and Rachael Ray, to name a few.

Many rousing speeches were given, but undoubtedly, the highlight of the ceremony was when Dr. Oz led the audience in a seance. “We are a tight-knit family here at UPenn,” said Dr. Oz as he started the seance, “and that’s why I only agreed to accept this honor if the invitation for this event was extended to ALL alumni—past, present and future—including those no longer with us. So let’s all hold hands, close eyes and ask those ‘passed’ alumni to join us.”

Melissa Schubert, a 4th-year medical student and big Dr. Oz fan, indicated that the experience of talking to the dead was life-altering. “All my stress and anxiety from years of medical training—poof! All gone! Thanks, Dr. Oz!”

The ceremony concluded with the raising of Dr. Oz’s white coat to the rafters of the anatomy lab. To show his gratitude, Dr. Oz then gifted the university a blue and red duck, which bore the school colors and which the students have already placed in a campus pond and affectionately named “Ducktor Oz.” Asked to say a few words about its namesake, the duck said, “Quack! Quack!”

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  • Proton Pimp

    Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar.

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