Man Takes Care of Vinyl Records Better Than Himself

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AUSTIN, TX – A 33-and-a-half-year-old Austin man has been observed to and openly admits to taking care of his vinyl records better than himself, Gomerblog reports.

“These are my prized possessions,” said Lee Paulson, gesturing towards his wall of predominantly long-playing records, of which he estimates he owns approximately 4,000. The rest of his apartment is in shambles. “I have to watch over their health. If I don’t, who else will?”

As part of their maintenance, Paulson carefully inspects and cleans every record he acquires. He puts each record in a special high-quality anti-static inner sleeve to minimize scratches. He puts each record in a special high-quality outer sleeve to keep the whole record in tact. He cleans and inspects records each and every day, making sure every single one of them is in tip-top shape.

We won’t even go into the painstaking detail of maintenance of how he maintains his turntable, needle, and speaker system.

“No, I don’t shower every day, I’m guessing you think I probably should, yeah?” Paulson responded when Gomerblog asked him about his own health. Further questioning revealed poor dietary habits, lack of exercise, and an access of vices which include but are not limited to beer, red meat, tobacco, and unprotected sex. He can’t remember the last time he saw a doctor, brushed his teeth. He doesn’t know what blood pressure means. He’s fairly confident this rash will eventually go away.

Paulson pulls out a rare record: an original press of the Velvet Underground’s debut album released in 1967. The album cover features an Andy Warhol print of a banana. Sadly, Paulson was unable to identify the fruit on the cover.

“Life is about making priorities, right?” Paulson explained. He washes his hands before and after handling this record. He puts the record away, and quickly stuffs his face with a bag of Cheetos despite complaints of heartburn. “How can these be enjoyed if I don’t take care of them?”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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