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ORLANDO, FL—Bobby Kidman, an elderly man admitted to the hospital today with a suspected myocardial infarction bizarrely rejected a cardiology consultation and instead requested only a pediatrics one, because, really, he’s just a kid at heart.

Dr. Mallory Cartwright, the on-call pediatrician, was dumbfounded when she received what she called “the weirdest consultation I’ve ever had to do.” She said, “I’m a pediatrician! How am I supposed to treat an 82-year-old man with a heart attack? With balloons and lollipops?”

Well, yeah, something like that if Mr. Kidman gets his way.

Initially upon meeting the elderly Kidman, Dr. Cartwright offered him the best possible relevant medication in the pediatrician’s armamentarium: a “baby” aspirin. She then racked her brain, trying to recall how to treat an MI, a condition she hadn’t faced since medical school. “I think you need more antiplatelets, anticoagulants, lipid-lowering agents and a cardiac catheterization,” she hesitantly recommended.

But the “kid at heart” would have none of that. “This condition I have is the result of too much adult-type stress on my heart. It’s just a kid; all it needs is some childlike interventions, and it will be fine.”

So instead of calling cardiology, Dr. Cartwright consulted a clown. The clown brought him a few dozen Doc McStuffins stickers, a giant lollipop, an ice cream cone and a large latex animal balloon (the clown got the balloon to him in just under the 90-minute “door-to-balloon” recommendation), and Mr. Kidman quickly felt like a new man, er, boy.

But tests the next morning revealed that his heart had not yet fully recovered. So at the patient’s request, he was urgently transferred to another institution: Disney World. There, under the care of Dr. M. Mouse and his assistant Dr. D. Duck, he was prescribed a strict cardiac rehab program. This program, meant to de-stress his heart, consisted of twice-daily roller coaster rides and Tower of Terror freefall drops. Within days, Mr. Kidman’s heart was once again content.

After discharge from Disney World, all was well with Mr. Kidman until one week later when he developed a headache, one so severe that he went to the ER. But once there, he stubbornly rejected a neurology visit and instead requested only a veterinarian consult because, really, he is just so darn pig-headed.

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Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!