BETHLEHEM, PA—Following the lead of religiously-affiliated hospitals around the country, St. Mary Hospital recently updated their electronic medical record/order entry system to include two additional discharge disposition options. Normally, when a patient leaves the hospital, the clinician enters a discharge destination, e.g. home, nursing facility, another hospital or death. But many consider “death” too vague, and so it has been replaced by two discharge locations that provide far more clarity: Heaven or Hell.
“The first time I noticed these new options,” said Dr. Eleanor Bernstein, “was right after an 87-year-old patient of mine died. After an emotional encounter with her grieving children, I went to click on ‘Death’ but instead found ‘Heaven’ and ‘Hell’ as my only choices. Did I mention her kids were standing right behind me?! Obviously, I selected ‘Discharge to Heaven’.
“Well, huge mistake!” Dr. Bernstein continued. “The daughter furiously shook her head at me and, in between sobs, said, ‘No, that bitch is definitely in Hell!’” Dr. Bernstein was later reprimanded by her bosses for her rash, non-evidence-based choice of Heaven.
After that unfortunate mishap, physicians are now expected to extensively research their deceased patients’ histories before determining their appropriate final destination. By interviewing family, friends and enemies; reviewing their social media accounts; and placing STAT consults to God and Satan, they’re learning if their patients were righteous or sinful.
Armed with that essential information, physicians were then able to more confidently choose between Heaven or Hell. Deborah Cohen, a Jewish woman who diligently taught kindergarten for 40 years and volunteered for over 40 charities, tried a bite of bacon one time (Discharged to Hell). Morris Robertson, a gentle, law-abiding Christian and donor of one kidney to an ailing teenager and his other kidney to a sister (thus requiring that he be placed on dialysis), had sex with his fiancée one week before their wedding (Discharged to Hell).
All of the following upstanding members of their communities were also delivered to Satan: Kelly Borger (watched 15-second clip of porn), Henry Jones (once said “F-ck”), Alex McDougal (coveted neighbor’s wife), Vanessa McDougal (divorced cheating husband), Melissa Schwartz (turned on light on Sabbath), Kevin Jeffries (New York Jets fan***) and Lily Gordon (practiced sorcery—yes, really!).
In fact, since the introduction of these choices, “Heaven” hasn’t been selected even a single time, so administrators say they’re “just gonna get rid of Heaven as an option and discharge all dead people to Hell.”
***Sadly, it’s been reported (and confirmed) that the Jets fan was in Hell while alive too. Poor, poor soul.