NEW HAVEN, CT – Finding herself underdressed & underprepared for this torrential downpour of admissions and cross-cover calls, third-year medicine resident and self-diagnosed black cloud Nirali Patel is now begging the on-call meteorologist for help.

“This isn’t even a black cloud, this is a black hurricane!” screamed Patel, trying not to drown amidst admission storm surges of 12 patients an hour. Patel doesn’t know how to swim. “I can barely see in front of me, the pace of things is so blinding. No one is safe, everyone is trying to stay above water. Is evacuation an option?!”

Many health care professionals are unaware that hospitals have 24/7 coverage from a meteorologist. For issues regarding temperature, humidity, and pollen levels, the on-call meteorologist can field questions over the phone though they will likely not drop an official consult note until the next day. But for those suffering with a true emergency like Patel, an on-call meteorologist is always available in house to best attend to a black cloud’s needs.

“Thank you for coming, you’re my hero, can you help?” Patel said to third-year meteorologist Javan Jones. “Pardon my French, but it is a total sh*t show.”

“Not really, I can’t help,” Jones responded. “I can’t change your black cloud status. I can only tell you there’s a 90% chance you will remain a black cloud until 8 AM tomorrow, with conditions improving only until your next shift when a new storm front appears and, boy, is it a doozy. Good luck! I’ll drop a note later tonight. Good night!”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.