WASHINGTON, DC—Studies indicate that of all medical specialists, psychiatrists are the most likely to be physically harmed by their patients. In response, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) recently strongly encouraged all mental health professionals to hide their true identities from their potentially dangerous patients by using their porn star names professionally. As everyone surely knows, one’s legal porn star name is easily derived from the Official Porn Name Formula: Porn name = name of one’s 1st pet + street name where one grew up.

The unconventional recommendation was announced at last month’s APA convention by a highly distinguished panel that included APA President Dr. Ginger Sugar Bottom; Harvard psych professors, Drs. Bullet Banger and Whiskers Waterfall; world-renowned psychiatry researchers, Drs. Sloppy Second and Smoky Sunset; National Institute of Mental Health executives, Drs. Lucky Longwood and Cuddles Caramel; and of course, beloved adult film star, Jane Smith.

Reaction has largely been positive. “I think it’s a fantastic, titillating idea! It shows the APA really cares about our safety,” said the newly coined Dr. Bubbles Chestnut. “My patients are psycho! I don’t want any of those loonies using my real name to track down my residence, my family, or (God forbid) my social media accounts.”

Dr. Chestnut added that everyone has gotten so used to her porno moniker that even her friends and family—including her 3-year-old son and his preschool buddies—are calling her “Bubbles Chestnut” now. As for her real name, she refused to reveal it to GomerBlog despite repeated requests, though she noted that it wasn’t out of concern for her safety but rather that her real name is so plain, she doesn’t even remember it anymore.

Not everyone is as gung-ho about the porn aliases as Dr. Chestnut, though. “I just wouldn’t be comfortable going around with a sexy, promiscuous name,” said Dr. Foxxy Peaches, who surprisingly has yet to change her name.

Dr. Peaches aside, most have embraced their porn star alter egos, including Drs. Epiphany Dragon, Misty Lovers, Vegas Destiny, Shady Beaver and Chappy Weiner. HIPAA has even taken notice and is experimenting with the idea of having patients use porn star names too, which is why last week there was an office rendezvous between a patient named Horny Willie and Dr. Steamy Bush.

Despite the obscene names, patients so far say the quality of their patient care has not suffered and may even have improved. “I was feeling anxious all week,” said Mr. Toby Dawson, “until I made an appointment with Dr. Bubbles Chestnut. She’s amazing—one hour alone with Bubbles and wow, let’s just say all my stress was gone.”

Mental health professionals are also less stressed, no longer having to worry about violent patients like local psychopath, Buddy, who was recently overheard complaining that he couldn’t find Dr. Fuzzy Kitty’s info anywhere online. “If I find out she’s been using a fake name with me,” said Buddy, “I swear I’m gonna kill her!”

Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!