Tom Brady Suffers Congestive Arm Failure

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Foxborough, MA – In a shocking development that could spell the end of his storied football career, Tom Brady developed acute congestive arm failure (CAF) in the first quarter of the New England Patriots loss to the Tennessee Titans.

Brady has occasionally struggled to hit even his legendary 2-yard check-down passes throughout this season. Through it all, his screen passes and the occasional 5-10 yard pass have been relatively accurate until Saturday night.

“Peyton Manning managed to win a Super Bowl with arm failure so severe he couldn’t even throw the ball to the original line of scrimmage from the shotgun. Tom could have years of check downs left, or he may not.”

“We knew his arm was in a precarious state going into the game with a triceps ejection fraction hovering around 35% of normal for an NFL QB” Patriots Team Physician Dr. Mark Price explained. “On the 1st offensive series when Tom under threw N’Keal Harry and James White on back-to-back plays I knew what was happening even without the echomusculogram.”

“Like Brett Favre, Peyton Manning, and Tony Romo before him, Tom had developed full on congestive arm failure” Dr. Price explained. “I knew the only way he was throwing a touchdown in that game was if the Titans picked off one of his ducks and took it back the other way.”

Dr. Price’s premonition came to fruition in the game’s closing seconds when Brady’s eephus in the general direction of Mohamed Sanu Sr was intercepted by Titans cornerback and former Patriot Logan Ryan who promptly returned the pick for a Titans touchdown.

Football purists may argue that Ryan would have done more for his team’s chances if he had kneeled down allowing Ryan Tannehill to kneel out the clock but Ryan doesn’t see it that way. “Tom Brady is one of the all-time greats. If that was his last throw, he deserves to have it returned for a touchdown!”

When asked about the prognosis of Brady’s arm failure going forward, Dr. Price was coy, “Peyton Manning managed to win a Super Bowl with arm failure so severe he couldn’t even throw the ball to the original line of scrimmage from the shotgun. Tom could have years of check downs left, or he may not.”

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  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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