CINCINNATI, OH—Concerned that their students too often forget that cadavers were once real people with real lives, anatomy professors at Cincy Medical School instituted a major change to the curriculum this year. On the first day, stunned students were immediately greeted by lifelike holographic versions of their cadavers. These drop-dead gorgeous holograms, which looked and sounded exactly like the deceased persons, were to remain in class all semester, essentially becoming bonus members of each dissection team.
Shocked at first, students tried their best to adjust. “It’s made anatomy class way more interesting, for sure, but it’s also been really hard to concentrate,” said 1st-year student, Melanie Carman, “what with the holograms providing running commentary as we dissect their dead counterparts. Imagine trying to make cuts while constantly being interrupted with outbursts like ‘Ouch! That hurts,’ or ‘I can’t bear to watch,” or ‘I’m begging! Please don’t cut me down there!’
“I mean,” she continued, “how am I supposed to slice through the giant teddy bear tattoo on his chest when the hologram hovers over me and, in between sobs, pleads, ‘Ooh, do you have to? I got that for my little girl. See, her name is there too.” And what do you expect me to do when the hologram says, ‘This is barbaric! I can’t believe I voluntarily signed up for this. I take back my consent, you savages!’?”
Other students noted that it’s quite distracting when all 12 holograms begin each morning by joining together at the front of the classroom and performing musical numbers. “It was kinda cool when they choreographed the Thriller dance,” said a student named Stephanie Rossi, “but when they start belting out stuff likeThe First Cut is the Deepest by Sheryl Crow and Cuts Like a Knife by Bryan Adams, I…I just can’t!”
After the shaky start, however, students say they gradually grew to appreciate their cadavers more because they got to witness a snippet of the real person. “By the end of the first week, I knew the dead guy better than my own family,” said Dr. Rossi, adding that the cadaver is also a much better listener than her boyfriend, who coincidentally she sometimes confuses for a cadaver.
In fact, the hologram program has gone so extraordinarily well that the school plans on expanding it next year. Administrators have already fired the entire anatomy faculty, replacing them with holograms of Henry Gray and Frank Netter. Meanwhile, 4th-year medical students are in for a sweet surprise at their graduation ceremony when Hippocrates the Hologram (aka Holocrates) is expected to team up with the recently reconciled holograms of Tupac and Biggie for a live performance of their new smash gangsta rap duet, based on his famous oath, entitled “Please Don’t Do Me No Harm”.
