BREAKING: New York City Resident Tests Negative for COVID-19

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MIDTOWN MANHATTAN, NY – When Dr. Seth Corbin got the results back, he couldn’t believe his eyes, so he repeated the test. The repeat test also came back negative. Dr. Corbin had found the New York City equivalent of the great white buffalo, a NYC resident that didn’t have coronavirus!

“I’ve run 753 tests for COVID-19 this week alone and this man’s test was the first negative I’ve seen. I was nearly certain that everyone in Manhattan had coronavirus.” Dr. Corbin explained. 

Dr. Corbin made certain to protect the identity of what may be the lone uninfected New Yorker. “She may end up being Robert Neville walking the streets of NYC hunting with his poorly computer animated dog, I don’t want to chance taking that opportunity from her,” Dr. Corbin said referencing the 2007 Will Smith movie I Am Legend where Smith’s character is the lone survivor on Manhattan of a viral pandemic. 

Unfortunately, the last of the clean Manhattanites may have been infected walking out of Corbin’s midtown clinic when she was sneezed upon by a febrile street performer. The woman launched into a profanity-laced tirade that would make most seasoned sailors blush.

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio tried to reach out to the COVID-19 negative woman saying, “I need to know her secret and possibly drink her blood if she’ll let me. I have been reading Reddit a lot and I think it may be the only way I will get out of this city alive!”      

  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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