SCHAUMBURG, IL – Pandemic coronavirus, COVID-19. Hundreds of thousands infected. Sports suspended. Nations on lockdown. Social distancing. Markets crashing. And it’s only just begun. Yet somehow amidst all of this, Anesthesia is amazed they haven’t been blamed for any of this.

“It was only a year ago that if you misplaced your keys, tripped on the sidewalk, or got food poisoning we were the first to blame,” said yet-to-be-blamed anesthesiologist Dr. Andrew Hopkins. “Remember when we were blamed for the collapse of both the Falcons and I-85 in Atlanta? It won us the Nobel Prize for Blame. But so far in 2020? Nothing.”

Like many of us, anesthesiologists were paying attention to the developments of novel coronavirus when it first emerged in Wuhan, China in December 2019. It only started to become personal and real when they started experiencing dwindling sudoku supplies. They all knew it was a true, never-before-seen state of emergency when no blame came their way.

Fevers and respiratory symptoms? Blame COVID-19. Shortage of personal protective equipment? Blame COVID-19. A bear market after 11 years of stock market growth? Blame COVID-19. No hand sanitizer and toilet paper? Blame COVID-19. Every aspect of life has changed in 2020 and all of it can be blamed on COVID-19. For once, it’s not on Anesthesia.

In a weird way, says Hopkins, he and his colleagues miss the blame ole days.

“Everyone needs to step up and be smart: wash your hands, don’t touch your face, stay at home, and if you need to leave home to get food and supplies, stay 6 feet away from one another,” strongly advised Hopkins, who has erected a protective drape around his home and family. “If we can flatten the curve, we can get through this. And when we do, we look forward to the day and welcome with open arms all the blame you want to send our way.”

Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.