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COVID-19: CDC Says “We’re Totally Effed” in a Zombie Apocalypse

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ATLANTA, GA – The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) says they’re not trying to be curt but if we can’t deal with COVID-19 then “we’re totally effed” in a zombie apocalypse.

“With the novel coronavirus, we’ve lost the battle of containment and we’re way behind the eight ball in trying to get people tested and identity who is coronavirus-positive so we can isolate them,” explained the Director of the CDC, Robert R. Redfield. “But just think: What if this was the zombie apocalypse? If we have this same response, humanity would be totally screwed and possibly wiped out by now. We would be overrun with zombies and ill-equipped to stop them.”

Redfield makes a point. Even if the U.S. Food & Drug Administration granted emergency use authorization during a zombie apocalypse, the COVID-19 response thus far suggests we may not be able to produce enough doomsday kits, machetes, flamethrowers, and rifles to defend ourselves, let alone save humankind. In fact, only 2 weeks into the COVID-19 pandemic, all doomsday kits were sold out on Amazon.

“All the toilet paper and hand sanitizer in the world ain’t gonna do jack when you have four zombies closing in on your ass,” Redfield warned the American public.

Little is still known about COVID-19, and the CDC has not ruled out the possibility that COVID-19 may be what instigates the zombie apocalypse.

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