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WUHAN, CHINA—The 1980s’ supergroup USA for Africa, known mostly for its hunger-awareness-raising “We Are the World” tune and “Hands Across America” event, announced yesterday that it was reuniting to organize a new charity campaign. Called “Hands Across the Globe,” it will be a worldwide hand-holding event that intends to stop the spread of COVID-19.

“The whole world must join hands to stop the spread of Coronavirus,” read an official press release from USA for Africa. “As the song ‘We Are the World’ proclaims: ‘There comes a time…when the world must come together as one.’ This is clearly one of those times that just begs for people to come together. There’s simply no way this virus can survive when it faces billions of people congregated very closely together—all holding hands and standing united against it.”

USA for Africa estimates billions of people will participate in this monumental campaign, joining hands to form one continuous human chain spanning from Wuhan, the original epicenter of the Coronavirus epidemic, to Seattle to New York City to Madrid to Venice to Tehran and all the way back to Wuhan. This 20,000-mile-long human chain is set to begin inside the infectious diseases ward of the local Wuhan hospital and continue uninterrupted around the world and ending in the Wuhan hospital’s Intensive Care Unit.

The vast amount of ocean in the way will be spanned by cruise ships populated by elderly people joining hands from bow to stern. (Cruise ships have proven to be a highly popular destination during this pandemic, with guests often refusing to disembark for months.)

“We want to show our love and compassion to all COVID-19 sufferers as they battle this wicked infection,” said Lionel Richie, an original band member. “What better way than to come spend quality time with them, gently squeeze their hands, give them a shoulder to cry on, and hug them tightly all night long?”

In addition to holding hands, participants of “Hands Across the Globe” will also perform a special dance created by the band. The basic dance motion—purposefully made very simple so anyone could do it—is “slap your partner’s hand-clap-tap your mouth-lick your hand-cough-snap your fingers-clap-and slap your partner’s hand again.” Or in easy-to-remember shorthand, it’s “slap-clap-tap-lap-hack-snap-clap-slap.”

Organizers are expecting to raise billions of dollars for affected hospitals, which desperately need the money, as experts predict a sudden surge of patients despite the charity event.

At press time, all the living members of USA for Africa had committed to attend except for one. “How is it possible,” wondered Stevie Wonder, “that I’m the only one who can see this is a terrible idea? Besides, we’re USA for AFRICA; isn’t there a USA for Earth who can host this one?

Proton Pimp
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