Heaven & Hell in Lockdown After Both Test Positive for COVID-19

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HEAVEN ABOVE & HELL BELOW – Bad news for those who think that life after death will finally grant a reprieve from the viciously contagious novel coronavirus here on Earth: Heaven & Hell have both tested positive for COVID-19.

In order to contain the spread, both Heaven & Hell have sealed their borders and will not allow anyone into their respective kingdoms until September 1.

Gomerblog held a rare conference call with both God & Satan, each sharing their thoughts on pandemic coronavirus, which was first detected in Wuhan, China in December 2019 and has spread just about everywhere ever since.

“I know things are bad down here already, but it’s that much worse,” explained Satan to Gomerblog. “I initially attributed the fevers to the fire and the cough to the brimstone exposure. Then Hades and I noticed poor old Sisyphus seemed a lot more winded pushing that boulder up the hill. Soon I started feeling pretty run down, not up to the torture like I usually am. Something was definitely up.”

“Yeah, things are pretty f**ked up here too, dude,” God immediately replied, agreeing with Satan. “Things are really subdued. I can’t seem to control anyone’s symptoms. We’re out of toilet paper, everyone’s having to wipe with clouds. We’re down to a 10-day supply of miracles. I know I’m omniscient, but this damn coronavirus has Me clueless. Sorry but these Pearly Gates are closed for the time being.”

“Agreed,” Satan responded. “I’ve asked everyone to please stay isolated within their circle of hell. Hopefully they heed our commands better than Florida Spring Breakers.”

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  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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