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U.S. Hospitals to Close After Patients Test Positive for COVID-19

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CHICAGO, IL – The NBA suspended its season when its first player tested positive for COVID. American public schools closed when its first students or employees tested positive for COVID. Gomerblog has learned that U.S. hospitals will be following suit after its first patients tested positive for COVID-19, the closures effective as of 7 AM this morning.

“The only way to flatten the curve and slow the spread of coronavirus in the United States is to practice social distancing, and we’ve seen many good examples of that with major league sports, schools, and even Broadway shutting down,” explained Director of the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) Robert R. Redfield.

Hospitals are huge places, with hundreds upon hundreds of employees and patients. Hospitals were the last holdouts. These hospital gatherings need to be avoided, said Redfield. Patients and health care professionals should be at home as much as possible.

The CDC expects hospitals to reopen once the pandemic is declared over by the World Health Organization, which could range anywhere from a few months to never.

Anxiety had been running high among hospital and clinic staff as they’ve noticed an increasing number of confirmed, suspected, or possible cases of COVID-19 over the past week. Yet much to everyone’s surprise they remained open.

“One COVID case in a school and a school system shuts down, but one COVID case in a hospital system and we keep going? It doesn’t make any sense!” exclaimed one Boston physician physician who works at Brigham & Men’s Hospital. “It’s not fair!”

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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