CHICKASHA, OK—Joe Exotic cannot be stopped. The self-proclaimed “Tiger King,” country musician, master illusionist, former Presidential and gubernatorial candidate, and gun-toting redneck simply cannot be stopped. Not by animal rights activists, not by prison, and certainly not by a pathetic, little microbe called coronavirus. Sources indicate that when the virus recently permeated the walls of Grady County Jail, Joe Exotic did NOT test positive for coronavirus; the coronavirus tested positive for Joe Exotic.
Scientists initially became concerned that the virus had become infected by Mr. Exotic when they noticed subtle changes in its structure and behavior. All of a sudden, its famed crownlike spikes turned into guns, it grew a blonde mullet, and it started showing a predilection for 19-year-old straight men.
A PCR-based test confirmed the presence of the Tiger King’s genes inside the virus. Soon, millions of coronaviruses at the Grady County Jail tested positive as well.
Panicky coronaviruses are now choosing to socially distance themselves from Mr. Exotic, especially since there is no known treatment for Exotic infectious diseases. However, in one very small French study, a strange chemical called hydroxycarolebaskin showed some promise as a potential therapy. It’s an odd little pill that was once pulled from the market—it allegedly caused the death of a 59-year-old man in 1997–but, at first glance, appears to drive Exotic infections crazy.
It is entirely unclear how the Tiger King infected the coronavirus, an act that is being called his greatest magic trick ever. But such is the wonder of Joe Exotic. He cannot be explained. He cannot be understood. In addition to infecting the microbe, rumors are swirling about what else he did to it. Some say he fed coronavirus to his tigers. Others say he sent it to Florida to attack his nemesis. Still others believe he seduced and married it.
Whatever the case, one thing’s for sure: Mr. Exotic showed the coronavirus who’s boss. All hail Joe Exotic!
There’s just one problem though. Mr. Exotic somehow managed to insert his entire genome into the coronavirus. Now, when the virus infects people, it directs their cells to make millions of copies of Joe Exotic!
A million Tiger Kings?? God help us all.
