NEW YORK, NY—Dr. Oz’s self-titled talk show, which sadly has been on hiatus due to the coronavirus pandemic, is set to resume tapings immediately after a study in The Lancet concluded that the misinformation he spews will only kill 2-3% of his audience.
“It’s been so hard not being able to go on air during this medical crisis,” remarked Dr. Oz, “but public health officials kept claiming it wasn’t safe to be in the studio. But then I saw this really nice piece in The Lancet that argued that only 2-3% of my viewers would die if I come back. What an appetizing opportunity, I thought. That’s a tradeoff folks like me would make any day of the week.”
In fact, Dr. Oz excitedly pointed out that 2-3% would mark the lowest viewer mortality rate in his show’s history.
Though many have criticized Oz for being so willing to sacrifice a chunk of his audience, he has some famous supporters as well. “Hell yeah, Mehmet needs to be on TV,” said his unlicensed psychologist buddy, Dr. Phil. “So what if tens of thousands of people die from his advice? That’s nothing…3 million people die from watching my show every year, and no one has shut us down yet!”
In the weeks ahead, Dr. Oz plans to promote dozens of Covid-19 treatments and prevention tips. “I’ll talk about herbal remedies and snake oils, colloidal silver and cow urine, and even a magic potion that I whipped up in my basement last night. My special potion is so powerful, it’s guaranteed to prevent you from getting the coronavirus. I know because I drank 5 gallons yesterday, and I have yet to catch the virus. Now that’s what I call evidence-based medicine!”
During the taping of his first show back, he encouraged his audience to ignore stay-at-home orders, ditch their masks, and march in a parade in honor of his triumphant return.
At press time, The Lancet was forced to retract its study after 97% of Dr. Oz’s viewers died of Covid-19. “Our bad,” said the chief editor. “After further review of the data, it’s clear we should have said that only 2-3% of his audience will survive!”
