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WASHINGTON, DC—Except for people with lupus, anyone else hoping to score some hydroxychloroquine (HCQ), is unfortunately out of luck. In an effort to keep the vital lupus drug away from people who had heard—based on a study sponsored by wishful thinking—that it was a possible treatment for Covid-19, the Lupus Foundation of America (LFA) recently placed the nation’s entire supply of HCQ under strict quarantine in a secret, secure location.

“Oh hell no! You ain’t touching our beloved HCQ!” read the official LFA press release, sent out as soon as the organization learned the drug was being touted as a Covid-19 cure. The foundation then immediately sprung into action, raiding every pharma company, pharmacy, laboratory, hospital, and medical clinic and stealing every last HCQ tablet it could find.

“Heck, we even broke into homes and looted medicine cabinets,” said LFA President and CEO Stevan Gibson. “And I can’t say I’m necessarily proud of this, but we also had our GI friends retrieve a few recently swallowed tablets from the stomachs of Covid-19 patients. What? They were still basically whole.”

Now under lockdown, the millions of HCQ tablets are banned from traveling outside of the quarantine except to go to the homes of people with lupus.

Naturally, people who believe HCQ is effective against the novel coronavirus are furious. “It’s not like hydroxychloroquine is all that important for the treatment of lupus anyway,” said one such man, who had a point because, after all, the lupus drug has only been proven to do the following: reduce the frequency of lupus flares, limit damage to organs, improve symptoms, decrease steroid dependency, lower the risk of thrombosis, and, not so importantly, increase survival.

Meanwhile, there’s a very long list of HCQ’s proven benefits for Covid-19, as shown below:

1.

2.

3.

4.

(Sorry, we regretfully only had room to list the top 4.)

As a result, critics of the HCQ quarantine protested the LFA, warning that if it doesn’t immediately reverse course and release the HCQ, they may be forced to move on to another imaginary cure for Covid-19. (One such candidate emerged after a promising Chinese study of 1 single person with Parkinson disease found that everyone in the study who took Sinemet did not die of Covid-19!)

Nevertheless, Mr. Gibson refused to waver. “Everyone must and will socially distance themselves from our stash of HCQ. But if you want, feel free to go onto Zoom and say hi to a drug you’ll never, ever get!”

And for anyone who still has a problem with the HCQ quarantine, the always professional Mr. Gibson stood in front of a stockpile of hydroxychloroquine and delivered one final, vitally important message: “Na-na na-na boo-boo!”

Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!