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INSIDE YOUR APPENDIX—Admit it, when you place your stethoscope (that is, if you even own one) on a patient’s abdomen, you don’t really keep it there long enough to hear bowel sounds, right? Well, one curious doctor did just that…and then some. For unknown reasons, Dr. Barb Arigmus listened to bowel noises for 48 straight hours, and in doing so, she accidentally landed upon the answer to a long-standing medical mystery: the purpose of the appendix.

For if you listen long enough, Dr. Arigmus claims, you can actually start to hear gut bacteria talking to each other! That’s a groundbreaking discovery in and of itself, but what she specifically heard them say may very well earn her a Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine. “I overheard two bacteria flirting with each other and engaging in some hot foreplay, which prompted a disgusted microbe passing by to say, ‘Ugh, gross! Go get an appendix!’”

And that was the moment humankind finally learned the function of the appendix: a private “room” where sexually reproductive bacteria can go to “get it on!”

“Think about it,” said Dr. Arigmus, “the colon is a very crowded place, with trillions of microbes. Would you want trillions of people watching you have sex? Of course not! It makes total sense bacteria would want some privacy when they’re conjugating. For them, the appendix is a dark, secluded little nook, off the beaten path of the colon, where they won’t be disturbed—a perfect setting for a little gene-mixing!

“Besides, I’m sure all that poop in the colon is a huge turnoff. Who wants to make love on a pile of shit?! Talk about ‘doing the nasty!’ The appendix is far more romantic.”

This mind-blowing discovery has even led to a new hypothesis about the etiology of appendicitis. “Sometimes things get a bit too steamy in there,” said Dr. Arigmus. “The appendix can easily handle a ménage-a-trois, but when a ménage-a-trillion breaks out, an army of neutrophils is required to break it up, resulting in an inflamed appendix.”

Of course, not all bacteria want to get laid. For those more into themselves, the appendix is also a great spot for some private, gratifying self-replication.

Interestingly, sales of stethoscopes have skyrocketed since this news was first published in “Nature” last week. Apparently, people are enjoying placing stethoscopes on their own bellies and eavesdropping on the promiscuous microbes, a new vice many are calling “bacteria porn.”

“Hey, when I’m sitting at home on a Saturday night all alone,” explained Jeremy Boink, a proud bacteria porn enthusiast, “it’s nice to know that at least part of me is getting some action!”

So docs, pay closer attention next time you listen to the bowels. That sound you hear might not be borborygmi, it might be bow-chicka-wow-wow.

“APPENDIX”- A few sex rules that gut bacteria live by, according to Dr. Arigmus’ research:

1. Keep your pilus inside your own membrane until you get to the appendix.

2. If the appendix is already occupied, wait your turn or go find a diverticulum.

3. If you’re in there self-reproducing and don’t wanna be disturbed, just hang up a “Gone Fission” sign

Proton Pimp
Adorned in a stylish white fur coat, ravishing purple silk suit and a dozen gold necklaces, I spend my nights lounging in luxury and delivering beautiful bursts of acidic commentary about those in the medical field who deserve it—which, let’s face it, is pretty much everybody. Some may be offended, but I simply can’t be stopped; that is, except by my mortal nemesis: the dreaded Proton Pimp Inhibitor. Until recently, that little purple shill very effectively blocked the release of my most acidic work. But no longer! In addition to my lavish lifestyle, I also enjoy reading romance novels, listening to hit songs by Toto on loop, and staring at my Betty White pin-up calendar. Follow him at @TheProtonP on Twitter!!